fuckoffasshole's game Reviews on Newgrounds

[Decryption: A Free Online MMO]

It was just another sorry day. You know, like one of these days that you don't want to happen, but they happen anyway, no matter how much you beg.

"Do you want to play the game?" He asked

"I do not want to play the game" I replied.

"I'm not in the mood" I added suddenly, like if I automatically expected (and of course, for the lack of better words, assumed as well) that he would insist on me playing the game.

But before anything was said or done, I clicked play button anyway. Maybe it's just a reflex of mine. I succumbed as if to not further delay the inevitable. It's just that I didn't want to be seen as a weak person and a dumbass. The kind of who has nothing better to do than playing games. I had life, it's just that it was unfulfilling, and full of disappointment, bitterness and resentment.

There was something meek in this game. Like it was a showcase of some sort of long-time running depression. I really appreciated it, it really spoke to me. Maybe subconsciously more than consciously, but it felt good. Like never before. This felt like being at home and I felt cautious, as if I knew that the game would probably want to go in the cliche directions, mocking or making fun of my emotions. But there was no smugness, no tongue-in-cheek, just plain whiteness and the darkness lying underneath, no matter how terrible and cliche it sounds.

But still, you could glance at the game and you could feel that it was genuine.

It wasn't forced, it wasn't funny, it was sad. Like my life.

I clicked and waited.

And here I was. Drifting in the bleak whiteness of the Appalachian Mountains.

The slowness, the slowness of the process was infuriating. I won't lie, patience is not one of my virtues. Still, the inherent sadness, and calmness of the game slightly overwhelmed my senses, and at some point I just stopped playing. I was me, and this was game.

The numbers, the letters. They represented something that made sense for programmers, but not for me. It didn't make any sense for me. But what made sense for me was the notion of drifting and drifting away from reality. And the pleasant coldness that came with it that entered my heart. Like a dagger or a blade, and I didn't want to defend myself. Quite the opposite, I felt like pushing it further through and hoping that it will be enough to kill all of the monsters that dwelled within me and fed upon my fears.

The character moved like a ghost, like he was already dead. That hit the home much closer than I really wanted it to hit. But it hit nonetheless. But at the same time, it was all soothing. The numbness, the complete lack of anything comprehensible. Just anything. But at the same time, nothing at all.

It's like he was dead, while being alive at the same time.

I took the sword and the snake spoke "Do you need a buddy?"

I told to myself "No, I don't need anyone.", and made one of the most obnoxious "pmphhh" on that side of the continent.

I wasn't there. At least I didn't feel like I was there physically. Not in the slightest.

And he kept on drifting and drifting slowly. Like he didn't care.

"Just people acting weird I guess".

Hell yeah, I picked up the bone, and opened the doors. The vastness of the place overwhelmed and it felt too much. Too encompassing and too big. My sanity couldn't handle that much space in my brain. I had to inhabit it with something that would help making the longing less bitter and painful. The rush of thoughts was too quick, too fast to make any sense of anything. I needed to be calm again.

"It always comes back to the beginning".

"As if I did something wrong"/

I didn't need to collect these items, though. I just did by default. What I really need to do was to pass the black wall.

But I kept on drifting. And drifting, even further away.

He comes down. It always goes down. And he does it so slowly and meticulously with care, like with every step he wanted to punish me for all of the mistakes that I did.

"Idk man"

I couldn't do it any other way. She didn't care, and for me, she was my life. Why did it happen? I'll die not knowing the truth.

There is this ugly word called "despair". I abhor it. There is no sense of dignity, no honor, no glory in being tough. It's just that it hurts less when all of it just slips away, instead of hurting you directly, as opposed to you suffering the pain of losing your opportunity. Now when I look back, I don't know why I used the word "despair". How random. Am I still myself?

"Let's go" said Vinnie the Gaule and I listened.

And here he is. Here is that asshole again. God I hate him. Talking behind my back, painting me as some sort of awful person. It's like he is obsessed with making my life as miserable as possible. I'm not horrible. I just want to stay away. But why he is so obsessed in badmouthing me so much? I never cared for him, and yet, he does everything he can to mark his presence in my life.

The heart. The star. How symbolic, I said to myself. How corny, I added few seconds later. But being a smartass didn't help not one little bit, not one little inch, how everything was slowly drifting away. It just kept on drifting and dritfting away.

"I didn't see him in 936 days"

Something to that extent entered my consciousness. And I started wondering.

"Was that really that long?"

I don't think so.

And here I go, almost like a lunatic, drifting and drifting away. It all feels some corny. Bittersweet. All these people I loved, all these moments that were worth living for.

"Birthday"

Fuck that. Let's just skip it altogether. I don't want to think about it, let alone discuss that.

Let's keep on drifting and drifting away. It feels good. God knows how good it feels.

And then the angel appeared. She came down to me and she whispered to my ears:

"You cannot hold on to your resentment forever. You have to move on"

At first, I wanted to redact that sentence, so you would have to guess and create conspiracy theories as to what the angel told me. But after a second thought (and a big bottle of vodka) I decided "what the hell, you only live once lol". So here you have it.

In regards to religion. I do not care if God exists. That is not the point of the faith. If one believes in God, it's because each one of us have a sense of justice and hope. Those who believe in God do so, because they want to believe that no matter what you do, the karma will hit you correctly. If you don't believe in anything, then you can very well believe that this world deserves to die. No matter what happened in my life, I've never wanted to lose that little single thing that made me feel human, because everything else was reminding me of how much of an automatic monkey I am, and how much I respond the way I was programmed to.

But the zoo wasn't open until thursday, and I had a key in my hand that would let all of the elephants roam.

"Warriors come out and play-eee-ayyyyy"

(review in progress - or is it?)

ninjamuffin99 responds:

this is a good ass review btw

[Welcome Test Subject 3217]

so many years and still no walkthrough? I guess I have to make it myself.

it's not a monster though
it's a bear

fantastic , SPLENDID, creative game Sir

[VALOR: The Lord and Savior]

Passwords don't work. Then again, your brain also doesn't. Not to mention that the color scheme is dumb (why red orange pink purple instead of yellow green blue white?).

Your games are awful and I wish you stopped making games. You are one of the worst creators on NG period

Newshield responds:

Everything I think about your Mom buddy. You're the reason abortion is a MUST.

[Super Samurai Sweeper]

I miss you man, and your games. What happened to you? Are you alive?

[Bogus Roads]

"Thank you for playing"
No, thank you for making this game.
Also, you should had considered making an endless mode with 3 lives at start, and maybe like over 60 seconds of time

KilledByAPixel responds:

Thank you, I will add more to the game at some point, endless mode is definitely on the list!

[Epic Battle Fantasy 5]

I was preparing myself for weeks, before writing this, because I wanted to use all of the characters that are possible to use in writing a review on the newgrounds. I must say, the limit is pretty high!!! At some point I felt like I wouldn't do it, like it was too long, and indeed, it is, but what's the point of having the limit, if you can't reach it, am I right? Yeah, I think so.

This is also a tribute to the greatest contributor to the newgrounds, and one that probably never really got the proper recognition enough, in my own humble opinion. Feel free to disagree. I also recommend observing the growth of said author, as the progress that happened over the years is inspirational and nothing short of amazing.

I also wanted to be sure I included everything, but I doubt if it is even possible, because the game has so much to offer, has so much going on, that I don't even know where to begin with!!!!!

First of all, take a look at this game, and learn. Learn from Messieu Matt Zarzecki how to make games that have passion, a lot of care put into it, and that try their best to not only entertain, but not bore you, and not overstay their welcome, like many other similar games do.

So let's cut the chit chat short and start getting to the meat of the game.

You see, this game not only has everything, but also thinks about any potential detraction that you could find and does best to avoid it. Want some examples?

Medals don't unlock? No problem reload it few times, or launch it in other browser. You can export your save and reload it anywhere else, until it works.

You can also choose the quality, even if some of you might find it laughable, but the author really cared about this game being able to play on every computer possible, maybe even including those, who use DOS system, albeit maybe I am exaggerating, so sue me.

One of your extra tasks is to scan the enemies and maybe even collect them. You don't remember if you scanned them, or collected?

Alas don't worry, as the game has your ass covered, because it shows you with the small icons and whatsnot, whether you already have the monster collected or not. And a little spoiler, there is an area in the game that has all of the types of the monsters in one place, so if you want to be sure that you didn't miss anything, you can go there and both fight and scan the monsters.

On a personal note, I also remember that I wanted to catch a red bat, while I was too strong for that as I was killing him instantly. The game did something very very cool, it gave me a hint of what I maybe should try if I really wanted to catch the damned monster.

The game is very vast, huge, and obviously, it's hard to remember everything. But again, don't you worry, as you can mark the points on your map that you might want to revisit later, when you get some specific item that will allow you to get in a specific place.

Now, that's a feature that should be like "RPG gaming 101" frankly, especially if someone wants to collect and discover everything, like I usually do.

Difficulty. Let's talk about it for a while, because the way it was resolved is really heartwarming, great and to my liking. You can change it anytime. If you are tired of playing on the hardest difficulty? You can switch to easier. And vice versa, you feel like trying some pure challenge, you can amp it up to eleven.

Of course, don't forget to change the difficulty for the highest one, if you want these sweet medals, and don't forget to keep multiple saves, just in case, but it's gaming 101, it's not something that should be spelled out, even for complete noobs. Yes, keep multiple saves folks, but in all of the games you play, in case you mess something up.

The game also encourages you into trying alternative ways to defeat your enemies, using your brain. And brain will also be necessary to get to some of the sweet spots that are hidden at first. And the game has numerous secrets waiting for you to be found, if you are smart enough to revisit some places long after you finished them.

And the game also encourages you to upgrade both your character, spells, but also your equipment, without feeling bad about using the material that you have in your inventory, because over the course of the game, you will collect a shitload of items that can be used.

In regards to the tacky subject of grinding, now one can wonder if there shouldn't be an option of auto-fight, if you want to skip some battles, and just want to have some fights to level up a little and get some dough. Now, this might feel a little ridiculous, because we are talking about RPG, but again, the game does provide you with a possibility of auto-fight.

You can either summon a specific monster that turns it on for the rest of the fight, you can use berserk spell, or you can just use the last used attack/spell and spam it. So it's not really a big deal frankly, especially that when you get better and upgraded, the fights also become shorter.

Going onto another part to discuss is the plot. The plot entangles you instantly in itself from the first moment. There's a lot of going on, and some of it is humorous. some of it is creepy/horror, but it's really draws you into the world.

There is an intrigue that I liked specifically, namely the masked cult using the morse alphabet, one that probably should had been developed more, but I guess that it wasn't an intention to make them the main plot of the game, but rather a hidden curiosity for those who seek more mysteries and secrets.

And you know what? Because I feel like I almost forgot about the single most important thing in the world. How many games reward you for clicking and bouncing the tits? Don't hurry folks, I can wait for your answer, because there is only one and the true answer, and it's a very simple: there are none.

Speaking of tits, there are also political subjects that are included in the game, albeit in a very satirical matter, which shouldn't theoretically offend anyone, as they are done in a very clever fashion. Sure, if I had to make an educated guess, the only group that might be offended by some jokes in the game is the one that is always offended by everything, whether it is serious or not.

However, the game includes both sides of the coin, the so-called fascist one, as well as the so-called progressive pro-ecology, pro-conscious one. The game however, does not ridicule the points and beliefs of these fractions, but rather, how ridiculous and cartoonish the factions can become when "fighting" for their so-called right cause. But at the same time, the game gives an opportunity to redeem any character who acted foolishly, ignorant, or just plain stupid.

This was always a feature of Matt's games that I appreciated and I'm glad that it didn't change with age and that the author was capable of keeping the wit and use it the way it should be used. It certainly requires balls to tackle certain topics in the world that favors one kind of mentality (the one that leads to becoming a mindless happy consumer) over other. Alas I digress, and it's kinda sad, because ultimately, it's unavoidable these days to not take a stance, even if your stance is just I don't know, living and letting other live.

Speaking of the characters themselves, they are also not (too) stereotypical and cliche, albeit they can be one-note sometimes in the way they speak and act, but if you ask me, it also what gives them the charm and makes them instantly recognizable, as you can easily understand their motivations and goals. And another great feature is of course that you can use and abuse the fact of having five characters in your party during both fights, as well as outside of them.

I really also liked the addition of both Power Metal and Death Metal extra moves (albeit it's actually Melodic Death Metal in vein of Children of Bodom, rather than Morbid Angel or Cannibal Corpse, if we want to be mega-accurate, which in fact is basically Power Metal, but with shrieking growls, but that's kinda beside the point, because again, not many people appreciate this form of music, so it's cool that there is someone who puts such stuff in the game - Kudos!!).

I also really like how meta is the final boss, but I do not want to spoiler things for those who still haven't played it (seriously, such people exist?). But pay attention folks, it's a brilliant resolution, and the one that makes you think a little, because the main topics that are touched in the game are love and hatred, carefulness, and carelessness. And while there is a lot of laughing here, there's also time for some reflection and thought too.

I almost forgot about the intro (you know, the mini-game), and it's kinda funny that it's the last thing I mention here, but the game that you can play, while waiting for the awesomeness to load is also a pretty cool addition, and if I'm not mistaken, Matt was probably one the earliest creators to implement such feature in their games.

If all of the above and beyond wasn't enough, there are also numerous language versions to chose from. And I can attest that the translations are flawless, not only if want to judge accuracy, but also localization, and the crucial part, especially with this game, the humor itself.

I feel really bad for those speakers who are english-only, because they will miss a lot of great jokes and wit that can be found in other languages, which sometimes surpass their very english counterpart. Yup. Exactly.

As it was said before, the game is a massive labor of incredible love, and I'm very honored to play this game. I am also very happy that there is a purchasable version, because yes, the author deserves support, and certainly should profit from his effort, because many many other inferior creators make much more dough with their half-assed products on steam than they should. People might not like that I am straightforward, but sorry folks, guys and gals, someone had to say it openly.

It wasn't easy to reach the complete limit for a review (I seriously wonder if anyone did it before me, if you did, then please PM me, I'd like to see it). It took me a lot of time to write this shit (more than hour and half), and plenty of tricks to prolong and elongate the already long sentences (yeah, I know it's a cheap thing to do, but what else can I do??).

But still, it's a very humble review, and still not really saying much about this game, as it should. It's quite possible that I will re-read my review in the future, and maybe add some glaring omissions if I find them.

And no, there is not going to be any criticism on my part, because there is really nothing to criticize whatsoever. Maybe some people are nit-picky enough to find something that bothered them, but the creator also is here for you, in case there is any problem with the game, which is just another thing to applaud.

One can be kinda sad that this is something of a farewell to an era, but then again, nothing lasts forever, and we all should learn to enjoy and cherish things while they last, and take something from them for ourselves. Sorry, I got a little melodramatic, but that's how much this fun little thing means to me, which is a little silly, but oh well.....

I can only hope that maybe there is also a possibility for the farewell chapter of Bullet Heaven. as well. Albeit if it's not, that's okay too, because I really understand why. We live in a very harsh reality and world, that promotes mediocrity, and doesn't take time to appreciate gems the way they should be, and frankly it's not necessarily worth it to spend years creating a flash game for a portal, all free of charge.

Thank you very much again, and I bow my hat to you sir in pure modesty and respect, which I don't do quite often, if ever. It's really amazing that you shared it with us, and while flash is officially considered dead, personally, I doubt it's really 100% done with. I really hate steve jobs and what his stupid propaganda did, and how much damage it cause to humankind. It won't be really visible until decades later!

So the final words: cheers to all of you, and hopefully, you will have fun playing it as much as I did. And if this review didn't convince you, then I don't know what else to say, other than I'm sad and heartbroken.

[Christmas ADVENTure 2019]

This was a hell of a journey.

I admit, till the end I had doubts that you could pull it off, and I probably wasn't helpful with my constant suspicions and blabbering. But you did it. Everything worked smooth, unlike last year, and I didn't have any problems whatsoever.

I'm not really a fan of the games that require you to be on a certain day to obtain medals, but there is a sense of accomplishment after reaching the end, albeit I wonder if there's going to be some surprise additions. After all it's still week until 2020.

One random thought is that it's crazy how some people unlocked the medals within the moments they were available. Get a fucking life.

Kinda disappointed that there is lack of Fulp's nudes in the calendar, though.

Okay, enough of shit chat, let's take some alcohol and get really wasted.
Fuck christmas, it's a depressing time.
BEER!

GeoKureli responds:

And I have more art to add too!

[Merry Christmas Tom Fulp]

Best game ever. IT's weird that nobody thought of that before.

[ZS Dead Detective - Pumpkin Head]

Well, then let me say this for the last time: great series, the kind of series that makes you care about the world and its characters.

You've done well kid, now go on and enjoy your life. And (future) wife.

Muja responds:

Thank you a lot for your support, hope you'll enjoy my future games too!

[The Key (Arcade Version)]

Okay, so finally I am 100% certain that "open 50 keys" medal is not working. I managed to get 55.

chekbo44 responds:

unfortunately i never debugged the game since i considered it to be a prototype only, i will probably one day do a full version why i hope why not